I’m spending the next week in sunny California to tour law schools, in hopes that I make a decision on where I should spend the next three years of my life (minimum) on more than who has the prettiest acceptance packet. I hereby vow to not turn this into a shitty travel blog where I describe things as “indescribable” and talk about how my perspective has changed.
Of course, to get to the West Coast, it’s pretty much required that I fly. For almost four years, the closest I’ve been to traveling by plane is seeing Up In The Air, which really set me up for disappointment. George Clooney could star in a movie about a guy who gets a colonic and make it seem cool.
Don’t get me wrong - I realize that it’s amazing that humans have developed the technology to travel such distances in a short time. And Sky Mall is still awesome. Did you know they sell a product called the DreamSack? Apparently it’s more than just a nickname for my scrotum.
It’s just that, socially speaking, I’m not made for airline travel.
I consider myself a nice person, but an introvert by nature. I’m not very good with acquaintances or friends of friends. First impressions are not my strong suit - I come off as a gawking weirdo who mutters something when he’s expected to. Generally this is because I’m too preoccupied with myself to, you know, treat the person like a human being. I know, I’m defective.
The good news is that over time, if you stick with me, the gawking weirdo, you’ll find that I’m somewhat pleasant. Flights generally don’t give me enough time for the process of meeting someone, not seeing them for a while, seeing them again, not seeing them for a while, then actually having a conversation of substance, etc. But at the same time, flights are entirely too long for me to feel comfortable in exchanging pleasantries. There is no escape.
Think about it. I generally avoid elevators if I know I have to ride with someone in the silent, confined space. An flight is like an elevator ride that goes on forhours. You start a conversation, you’ve set the precedent that conversation is expected throughout the trip. And that makes lapsing from conversation a little awkward.
When I was in middle school, it was always really exciting to go on a field trip to somewhere farther than 45 minutes away. The trip to - New York, D.C., anywhere - was dwarfed by the bus ride. This is going to be awesome, you’d think. I’m going to sit next to my friend _____, and we’re going to fucking RAGE. And rage you did. Until about 20 minutes into the trip, and one of you said “Uh, so, this burned copy of Sum41’s All Killer No Filler isn’t going to listen to itself” and put on your Discman headphones. I remember that being an unpleasant negotiation.
I consider this happening on an airline, sitting next to a stranger, to be worse. Because you really don’t have much to gain from the small talk of a domestic flight. Yes, I guess you could argue that the person that sits next to you could introduce you to your soul mate/recommend you for your dream job/offer you a million dollars to sleep with his gorgeous wife to fulfill his bizarre spending-cuckolding fetish, but it’s much more likely that this person is just someone with their destination on their mind. Just like you.
Fight Club referred to these people as “single serving friends.” I’m best in multiple servings. I should be spaced out over several weeks. I guess I’m fortunate that I view fellow travelers as a nuisance rather than a necessity - it must mean that my social needs are being met.
Apparently, the poor girl next to me was not in the same boat. I tried to nip conversation in the bud at the beginning with polite, but minimal responses, and it held for a few hours. However she seized an opportunity to ask me about my travel plans when I was rummaging through my backpack. This lead to more personal conversation that, unfortunately, provided follow-up questions.
I realize that in print, this comes off as harsh. I’m not an unfriendly person. I don’t like being mean. But man, sometimes people just don’t get the signals you’re sending.
I would complain about the young child that screamed through the duration of the flight, but at this point it would be cliché. This is already too close to veering into Andy Rooney territory as it is.
Add on to this that it was a six hour flight with no movie. Things were getting so bad that I started watching Couples Retreat on someone’s laptop through the crack in the seats. Think about that. I actually thought, You know what would make me feel better? Watching a movie that got 11% on RottenTomatoes. Without sound.
At the end of the day, an unpleasant travel experience is likely to my benefit. It’s something to consider when I finally make the decision of where I’ll attend law school - if I live out here, it will be four flights to the East Coast a year. Minimum.
And after that many flights, maybe I’ll finally remember that it’s not recommended to pee from a standing position in the airplane bathroom.
